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I am Kind of Always Lonely

"Even when I am surrounded with people, friends or family, I feel lonely. Even though I am with my partner or my closest friend, I feel I need to be somewhere else. It’s like a weight I carry around wherever I go, because the present feels so empty"

Even when I am surrounded with people, friends or family, I feel lonely. Even though I am with my partner or my closest friend, I feel I need to be somewhere else. It’s like a weight I carry around wherever I go, because the present feels so empty.

There’s a warmth in the past. There’s a warmth in people I knew.  

Loneliness, of any sort, has only one reason – lacking presence of people who you can relate to.

For example, if you are a movie buff you might feel lonely in a group of nerds who hate movies. If you’re a person who loves to stay silent, you might feel alone at a party.

But oddly sometimes, even when you’re with people having similar interests, you still find yourself yearning to be somewhere else, with someone else.

I think the culprit is our compulsive need for validation.

Someone should make us feel good, make us feel needed, required and indispensable ALL THE TIME. There can be many types of validation we seek. We might seek validation from our co-workers or boss on a good job, we might seek it for the extra pack of abs we are showing, or the free drinks we are at getting from across the bar.

And maybe one day you’ll just get bored, or maybe you’ll sit down to reflect on your constant neediness and realize how shallow this need is. Like me, you’re also probably going to feel quite shitty.

The lesser you feel satisfied with yourself, the more you want another person to compliment you. Seeking validation is an obvious successor of low self esteem and a botched self-image. It’s nothing short of a “high” derived from narcotics – short, temporary bursts of euphoria. A lot of unhealthy behaviour can arise out of it – gossip mongering, cheating, compulsiveness. The worst part is, this hunger is addictive. Just like smoke, this high we get will probably keep us craving more and more.

But there are avenues where seeking validation might not be a bad thing at all. Like when you’re working on something you’re not confident about. Going around and asking people to validated your work might help you get a wider perspective and help you improve your work. Not being confident can be a great virtue which can also help save face, save bad decisions and perhaps life too.

So how can we know if our validation seeking behaviour is the good one or the bad one?

I believe there is one simple question to save us from morphing into a validation seeking parasite – is our behaviour hurting us in any way? Are we compulsively flirting with a new person every other night to refill our batteries? Are we compulsively relying on instagram to feel happy about the number of likes and saves? Dow e find ourselves bitching about someone else almost daily? If yes, STOP!

And believe me, stopping will make you feel lonely.

As it does to many of us, at these “lonely moments”, when we do not have access to these mechanisms.

It’s not that we are lonely because we don’t have anyone to share our life with. It’s that we don’t have our own self to share our life with. We are only half heatedly there – doing things just because “we have to”, being too critical of ourselves, rarely giving ourselves a pat on the back and being completely satisfied with our lack of self-respect.

Getting down the point, if you’re the “always lonely” person, practice being there for yourself and don’t look for distractions. Don’t look out or miss people who validate you. Instead, validate yourself. Congratulate yourself. Take yourself on a trip or for shopping. In short, if you’re feeling lonely, get really, actually lonely. Enjoy the space and love yourself. Just like any other addiction, even one incident of breaking your streak can throw you back into the cycle. Identify these moments of imaginary loneliness. What are you lacking? Where do you want to be? What do you want do?

Take the control in your hands, because if anyone on earth can keep you happy and fun, it’s definitely you.

 

I hope you loved reading this blog and will be able to take away something from it, it would be great if you can drop in your thoughts below in comments section, like and share this to your friends, thank you and see you soon!